But why? Why are we so afraid of our size? Why are we afraid to shake our plus sized asses in a shiny skirt? Why are we afraid to wear the red dress because someone once said that it should be a federal crime if girls over size 6 wear red? I know personally I see fat girls strutting down the street in gorgeous bright colors and prints and think “fuck, why can’t I be that girl?”

I think that maybe it’s just that some fat girls have better bodies than me. More proportionally fat. Their fat is in a better place. It’s got to be something like that. Because they look great in things I would never dare to wear.

But then I realized, I was focusing on the wrong thing. I was focusing on what they were wearing instead of how they were wearing it. What I need is confidence. It sounds silly. It sounds impossible. It sounds just utterly cliché. How am I supposed to reconcile my body shame with the idea that I don’t need to be ashamed of my body when I can only think of one mainstream store that sells clothing in my size?

The truth of the matter is that it’s been a long hard battle for me to get to a place of some confidence. I don’t feel like those other hot fat girls who can swing their hips with pride yet, but I’m working on it. I’m working on ending negative self talk and on not feeling ashamed when I actually feel good about myself and my body. I’m working on being okay with saying “I feel hot today” and not having to justify it with “for a fat girl” or “even though I’ll never look like [hot actress x]” or “even though I don’t have a significant other,” etc. I don’t yet feel like those other girls, but I know I will, someday soon.